


Mental

by aWeird1



Category: Loki's Army - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Although everything Tom sees is true, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Frostpudding, Going insane, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Loki is real, Lonely Loki, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mental Instability, Schizophrenia, Tomki, True Love, alternative universes, crazy Tom, intimate sex, lonely Tom, seeing shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-23 13:12:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13788459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aWeird1/pseuds/aWeird1
Summary: Thomas William Hiddleston thinks he is going insane. It has been more than a decade and a half since he started acting, and that, he was undoubtedly good at. No matter who he had to portray, he always made sure he understood the characters he played. Thought like them, acted like them, morphed into them, WERE them.When the young actor first got the role of a Norse God named Loki, he gave an exceptional preformance. And now, a 8 years later, walking off the set of Thor: Ragnarok, strange things started happening to him. Tom was scared beyond words when he first saw Loki standing right in front of him after a long night of heavy drinking, the actor thought it was only his imagination. Little did he know that it was the beginning of a wonderful yet tragic love story.





	Mental

Returning back home after finally wrapping up Thor: Ragnarok was quite liberating for the young, British actor. No more sitting in the chair for two hours to get his hair and makeup done, no more exhausting scenes to shoot, no more tongue twisting lines, he could finally rest. 

Yet at the very same time, he dreaded the moment he would walk into his cold, dark and empty flat. Thomas William Hiddleston wasn't a loner, having a strong supporting group of friends since childhood, back when he was the goofy theatre kid and everybody called him an outsider, the theatre geeks were his family. And he loved theatre, acting in general, it was and still is his passion. But today, when he returned back to his appartament in London, he was alone. Every time he returned, he was alone. He tried to fall in love, to find someone he could return to, but his relationships usually lasted only a month or two, max three.

Joey, his best mate since the age of three invited him to the pub tomorrow night, and he still has to meet up with his buddies at the tennis club in eight hours. Tom wasn't lonely....he was just alone. It has been that way for years now. As someone who grew up in a big family and went to a boarding school where his room mates were like brothers for the young Brit, he was not used to being alone. He still isn't. That is why that big, genuine, tooth rotting smile of his fell when he opened the door to his own home.

Acting in a way, was an excellent distraction. Not only is it a form of expression, a way of showing his creativity, it has always been a way for Tom to leave his problems behind. It was liberating to leave his flat when they had to shoot the movie in another city or another country, somewhere far away from the place that left him feeling empty despite his love for peace and quiet, despite his love for London. It was liberating to portray a character and focus on that character's life instead of his own.

Maybe that is what made him so good at acting, maybe his ability to focus and connect with those characters on a personal level, is what brought him success. After all....he wasn't just acting like Thomas Sharpe, Adam or Henry Prince the of Wales, from the moment he walked on set he WAS them. Like a fluid, boiling metal that got molded by the script into a fully realized shape, a fully realized person. He understood where they came from, knew their strengths and weaknesses, felt their pain, in a way they cured his own. Acting, was the only time when he wasn't alone. In a way, his characters were with him, like a good friend, like a close family member. 

And out of all the characters he has ever portrayed, there was one special one who he had a soft spot for in his heart. The Norse God named Loki. Muttering curses under his breath as he stumbled over the "welcome" carpet, he put his bag down in his corridor and started undressing. First went the shoes, then the jacket and soon he found him self in his bedroom, unpacking. The unpleasant smell from the bag when he opened it, reminded Tom that he had to do laundry soon. Scrunching up his nose he pulled out the script for Thor: Ragnarok, _what a bloody piece of shit script_  the young actor thought to him self, before tearing the papers into four little pieces and throwing them in the trash.

He has played the trickster since 2010, but never before has the script been this unfair towards this character. From the moment he heard that Taika Waiti would be directing it, he knew the film would lean towards a comedic direction more than what Thor movies did in the past. Sadly, it prevented him from being true to the character, this Loki....wasn't Loki.

This Loki was less graceful, less intelligent and less passionate. From the moment he walked onto set, they didn't want the silvertongued God of Lies, they didn't want the strong sorcerer that Loki was, the broken prince who's ambitions go through the roof, they didn't want feelings. They wanted a lazy, spoiled brat, they wanted comedy. He gave them a brat, just like they wanted, now he feels guilty, he had betrayed the person who has healed his own pain from the past. He betrayed Loki.

Pushing the perfectionist thoughts aside, Tom headed towards his kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. As he walked through the hollow corridor he noticed that he would have to clean later as well, it has been weeks since he last were here. Balancing out being with his now ex girlfriend Taylor and shooting Kong Skull island, it took a toll on the flat. But what is a flat? A materialistic thing that he had more than enough money for, no it was the relationship that he missed. And even though Thomas was never the one to miss exes, nobody can deny the fact that he was happier back then. He had someone to talk to, a warm body next to him. The only thing he missed about his flat was his bed. 

 

 

 

The first two excruciatingly long and dull weeks since the young actor returned back home, he has gotten into quite the repetitive routine (except from three evenings out, drunkenly stumbling back to his quiet, fancy house with his mates or the occasional pretty but rarely intelligent, one night stand)...and as repetitive routines tend to do, they bore people, even if you are a more of a _what do they call it? Vanilla?_ person, who doesn't like drastic changes. Tom absolutely didn't know what to do.

Currently sitting on a table, with an old whiskey bottle in his pale hands, he was looking at the sparkling stars in a cloudless midnight sky through his window, he wondered _What now?_ Thomas William Hiddleston was officially lost. He had no idea what to do to fill this gaping, craving for attention void in his heart. _Should I call my family?_ He asked himself again, though at this late hour none of them would be awake, maybe only his youngest sister who was in Paris at the moment, on a vacation with her friends. Lucky her, he only wished he had this twin like bond with his own mates who got their  kids and wives to worry about instead of Tom's problems. _Fair enough_

But taking the last sip from an almost empty liquor bottle, he understood that it was enough depressive thoughts for today. Tomorrow is a new one and just like always, Tom would put on a happy face, live this empty life until he gets a new script. Barely holding balance on his both feet, he walked over to his bathroom and splashed cold water onto his tired looking face.

Saggy bags underneath his eyes made him look a few years older than what he actually was. The brit didn't even bother to turn the lights on, completely comfortable in this darkness he was getting ready for bed, until a low, rough, yet still surprisingly silky voice startled him.

"Unbelievable, absolutely magnificent..." 

Tom turned around as quickly as his intoxicated body allowed him, grabbing a razor for protection when he almost tripped over a couple of beer cans (It was a long night, alright?). His heart was beating faster than that of a hummingbird's as he squinted harder to find out whom the silky voice belonged to. A tall, murky silhouette was standing six feet away from him, he couldn't see the man's face, but he shared Tom's height and wore a black, well tailored suit. _Too stylish for a burglar or a hitman_ the young actor thought to him self. 

"Look, who ever you are, you better leave right now or I am going to call the police!" Tom warned, reaching for his cell phone in the back pocket of his jeans. The stranger almost didn't move, he was either dumb or a lunatic if he wasn't scared of the law enforcement. Just who is this man?

"Who are you? What are you doing in my flat?" So he asked what was on his mind. 

"I'm someone who isn't here to hurt you, Thomas. You can put the razor and the phone down, not that any of those intimidate me." That voice, he has heard it before, but where? 

"Step into the light" Tom demanded, watching the stranger chuckle

"As you wish, darling." When the stranger stepped out of the shadows it was like Thomas's whole world flipped upside down. He knew he heard that voice before, it was his own voice, it belonged to his favorite character. The man standing in front of him had long, ink black hair that was slightly curly at the tips, pale skin and sea blue, almost color changing eyes.....just like his own. That stranger was Loki. Loki Laufeyson in the flesh and he wore Tom's face, or they shared it, the actor didn't really know.

"Damn, I had way too much to drink tonight." Tom scoffed after a moment of thinking, _you're such a lightweight, Hiddleston_ the actor belittled himself turning away from Loki. He put down the razor and slid his phone back into his pocket as he headed out of the bathroom with heavy, tired steps. Though, before the brit reached that door, a couple of cold, slender fingers wrapped around his swaying arm. 

"It was only one bottle of whiskey Thomas, that is not nearly enough to make you hallucinate." Loki whispered so low and close enough to Thomas's neck, it was hair raising, making Tom look at the other man in horror.

"No, you're not real. You simply can not be." _Unless I've gone mad, that is_ The Norse God's grip tightened around him, cold, soft skin dragged along his own like this is real, it felt real.

"You shouldn't be here!" Tom's frightened reaction only made Loki's smile stretch wider. 

"But I am. And I am not planning on hurting you, nor going anywhere" Those identical, blue eyes thoughtfully scanned Tom's body from top to bottom...

"How interesting, usually I can read a mortal's thoughts, though not yours." The God of Mischief spoke softly, wrapping his other hand gently around Thomas's fragile neck. 

"How is this possible? How are you here?!" He asked, feeling Loki's fingers wipe a single tear off of his cheek, it happens rather often when he gets scared, his eyes always tear up whith adrenaline running through his body. 

"I don't know, however, I don't think I care. Norns, you are exquisite." The look on Loki's face, the way the God marveled him, the way that man touched him, it calmed Tom down. The young actor swallowed a lump that he didn't know he had in his throat, taking a deep breath,

"This has to be my imagination...this has to be a dream" Thomas whispered, no longer shocked, he was trying to apply logic to the situation. Loki on the other hand just gave Tom a dramatic eyeroll.

"Yeah sure, why not? I'm as real as they come. But if it fits you better to think that this is not real, knock yourself out." The trickster pinched Tom on his bicep, watching surprise spread across mortal's expressive face. As a heavy sigh left Tom's chest, he decided to go along with whatever this is, see where this goes. At the end of the day, Loki doesn't really exist, both his mind and body have betrayed him tonight. Yet not an inch of him cared.

"So you're real, you're in my home, why?" That was when Loki looked into Tom's baby blues and his smile fell, it took the trickster a little bit of time before he could truly answer.

"I have never met a person who fully understood me, until I saw you. I saw you act out my life, every single film, it happened to me, all those scenes were real. My whole life I thought that nobody would get me, what I went through. I thought Id never have a chance of being happy with someone, nobody could ever like this monster. But that was until you. I am finally not alone anymore...and for that, I thank you greatly, dear Thomas."

Tom was surprised by Loki's confession, now he knew why Loki held such a special position in his heart, they both had family and friends, but they were always alone. Wether it be a quiet library for Loki where he had only books for company or the empty flat for Tom, they needed somebody to fill that void. So when suddenly, those cold hands wrapped around him and tugged him into a tight embrace, he hugged right back. How could he not? Alcohol or not, him going completely batshit crazy or not, he couldn't deny Loki this hug. The brit has been alone for so long, even if Loki was not actually real, even if he'd wake up tomorrow morning to a shining sun and no trickster by his side, he would savour every single moment he got to spend with his alter ego.

"I want to repay you Thomas, know you, know your soul, know what makes you tick and what would break you. I want to do to for you, what you did for me." The trickster whispered against Tom's ear. Tom let out a quiet chuckle rubbing the lost prince's back, if only Loki knew, if only he knew.

"You already did. This is quite weird, talking to character I portrayed in the past, but the truth is...I am very much like you, except from living a very fucked up life though. For a long time I felt alone, ever since I moved out of my father's house. Making films, or being live on stage in a theatre, acting is what keeps me alive. When I play characters, it's like their souls are with me and I do not feel empty anymore. Portraying you has been both a blessing and a pain. But I wouldn't change it for the world, I have never felt more complete playing a character until I portrayed you. Thank you Loki" Tom was getting knots in his stomach as Loki's pale fingers caressed his jaw.

It was almost comedic how someone so similar to himself, made him weak in his knees. Though, not at all that surprising, Thomas still remembers telling the media over and over again, just how much he felt for the adopted son of Odin, in a way, he loved him. 

He felt more lightheaded with each minute, laughing at how pathetic he was. He was drunk and alone, hallucinating in his apartment, confessing his biggest secret to this imaginary person he created to cope with his depression and earn some money. Loki noticed the heavilly intoxicated state that Thomas was in. The mortal was barely standing up, his light blue shirt was drenched in sweat and he looked exhausted.

"Let's get you in bed, shall we?" The trickster asked, only getting a nod from the human as he swept Tom off of his feet and carried him to the actor's California King sized bed. Soon he layed down, right beside this beautiful mortal and wrapped his arms around Thomas, admiring Tom's sharp features under the moonlight from the way oversized windows the actor kept, to star gaze at nights like these.

"Dear Lord, I wish you were real" Tom whispered, breathing Loki's scent in. Strange enough, Loki smelled of fruit.

 

"Darling, believe me, I am." 

 


End file.
